I was shocked, for many reasons first for not realizing that my 14 year old was anyway near being sexual, but she told me that the pressure was not only coming from the boys but from the girls as well.
She said many of the girls in her class were sexually active and told her it was “cool.” They added that she would not be popular with the boys if she didn’t have sex with them.
I have spoken to her form teacher who agrees that it is a problem, that it is out of their hands other than giving the kids sexual education and basically hope that they are being taught the right values at home. I am a separated single mum, when I told my ex he was also shocked but is now married with a new family and does not have as much control with our daughter as I do.
Can you please give me advice how to handle this situation?
Answer
I congratulate you on being a proactive mother and taking the time to seek advice to help you deal with this issue. It is important for your daughter to understand that the only reason her 14 year old peers at school are applying this kind of pressure is because they want to feel that they can justify their own bad behaviour.
The fact is that it is illegal for 14 year olds to have sex. Your daughter needs to be told this. However, it may be time for you to talk to her about being a teenager and hormones.
Explain to her that because of these hormones it is normal to feel changes in her body and experience new sensations.
One of the hormones that drives our sexual feelings is called testosterone and males have up to 20 times more testosterone than females. That is why guys feel so sexual and young ones put pressure on the girls to hook up with them. It is very important that your daughter realizes that it is OK to say no to these boys and not give in for the sake of believing she will not be liked or accepted if she doesn’t.
More often than not, most of these young boys are out to conquer so that they can boast about it to their mates the next day. Explain to your daughter that of course she will be popular if she gives in to pressure, but ask her to note how quickly these sexually active girls get dumped.
Teach your daughter values and if she is nice, and friendly she will always be popular just for being herself. Sometimes kids need their parents to help them out when they have pressure from peers, I suggest you become hyper vigilant in being protective of her, make sure you know where she is at all times.
Don’t let her go to parties where there is alcohol and no adult supervision, and drop and pick her up from all venues. Check out whether adults are home if she is asked to have a sleep over with a friend and be firm about these rules.
I realize it is not easy when you are a single parent. Maybe if you explain all the above to your ex he may put more effort into parenting his daughter along with you.
