Psychologist and Clinical Psychotherapist
C.S.W; B.S.Sci.Psych (Hons); FACCP; LMAAPi

My husband and I have been married 5 years. We have been together 7 and have two children. We have not had sex for three years…

Jul 17, 2016 | Sex & Relationship problems

After having my children, I was always tired and never felt like it so after many rejections my husband withdrew and quite frankly I was happy not to ever do it. A few weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night and walked into our office to find my husband watching pornography and masturbating.

I was shocked and so was he. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he refuses to discuss what he was doing. I feel so betrayed and disgusted with him and I told him so. Now we have stopped talking and I am fearful whether our marriage is going to survive this. Can you please help?

Answer

By your own admission you state that you and your husband have not had sex for three years. What is it you don’t get about a healthy man wanting and needing sex, and if watching porn and masturbating in the middle of the night is the only way he can get it how do you see this as disgusting or betrayal.

Betrayal under the circumstances you describe would be if he was sneaking around having an affair with another woman, or if you were willing to have sex with him and he preferred to have sex with the internet.

However, you are correct in stating your marriage may not survive the path it is going down, but you still have time to rectify your situation if you start communicating with each other, and have marital and sexual counseling.

You say you stopped having sex after your children were born. This happens quite often after pregnancy when women often lose a chemical called DHEA or DHEAS. They are testosterone like chemicals secreted by the adrenal glands and by the limbic area of the brain.

They appear to have a positive effect on libido by fuelling sexual desire. Your DHEAS can come back over time or by doing exercise and if they don’t you can get supplements from doctors who specialize in integrative medicine. This may not be the case for you but I do urge you to investigate why you have lost your desire for sex.

It blows me away how many couples present for therapy stating that they have not had sex for years and like you and your husband make no attempt to do anything about it until a situation like yours presents itself. Don’t become another divorce statistic go and get some help.

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